Hello blogging world
In my previous post I wrote about my current project to make art from subjects and things that I've personally found very difficult to talk about, handle and to understand. I hope to get inner peace by doing this kind of personal art therapy by writing and painting.
Also things that I love, respect and need. People I love and people who I miss and people who have made great impact on my life.
Looks like this spring theme is bullying and how it has affected on self-confidence.
Something quite unfortunate happened few days ago. In my previous school I was very badly bullied by the teachers and school staff. So I sent an e-mail to my previous group leader. In good spirit I told about my current life situation and also asked why she didn't took any actions back then. She e-mailed back to me and denied the whole thing.
Needless to say I was very dissapointed to her behaviour.
When I was in elementary school I was very shy and introvert.
In school drawing was my favorite past time.
It easily took 5 recesses for me to finish a spread like this :)
Me and my small circle of friends was bullied at school. I wasn't never physically bullied but emotional bullying was just as bad.
One particularly nasty girl bullied pretty much every person she didn't like. I remember once there was a running contest in the school and she made my friend trip. There was bunch of teachers in the audience. They all saw it but nobody cared. I was so pissed.
There also was notebooks where the "mean girls" wrote lists like who are the most ugliest girls in this class , who is the girl you don't want to make friends with and so on.
It was really hurtful.. especially when I heard that my name was there quite often.
When I was 10 my father died. If I had been shy and introvert before I became even more shy and introvert after that. I never had very close relationship with my mother and after father died we became even more distant with each others.
I vividly remember going back to school after my father died and I have very clear memory standing in the school yard and all the kids were looking at me and whispering with each others that her father is dead I didn't get any help at school. I don't even remember being offered any help.
We also got a new teacher at that time. When the previous teacher was always very supportive towards my drawing hobby and let me do drawings on the recesses this new teacher always told me to stop daydreaming.
As the years went by I became more and more anti-social and I tend to block all the negative things from my mind. It was a survival mechanism. It did fail eventually because I started to have panic attacks when I was 15 and that lead in to deep depression.
Here in Finland there has been lot's of suicides done by teenagers because of bullying at schools. Just last summer Finnish police shared story of one 14 year old girl who had committed suicide because of the school violence and bullying. Note she had left said: At least I wont be bullied anymore
Such a terrible thing and It was very close that I didn't end my life when I was in that age.
Panic attacks got so bad that eventually I started to be afraid going to school. It became fear of social situations. If I went for a walk outside I used to think all those people who are passing by think bad things about me. Of course that wasn't true it was all in my head. Painting was always helpful way for me to express my thoughts. There were times when I couldn't paint or draw and those times were the most darkest. I suffered from constant headaches and insomnia. I was also addicted to painkillers back then.
Here is one of my paintings I did when I was 16. This one is called Lullaby and I think it's one of my ugliest paintings.
Girl is a demon and she has killed her human-self. When I was suffering from deep depression I saw the world as one big black hole. Only feelings I felt were anger, hate and sorrow.
I stopped exist and I was only a shadow.
After looking at this 12-13 years later I think it captures the essence of depression very well.
Colors are so bright they are almost toxic.
I started therapy when I was 17. I didn't really get a long with my first therapist. I didn't find good connection with her. Afterwards I think I should have started with art therapy straight away. That would have probably been more helpful.
I think when I was 18 I spent a month in a hospital and that's where my healing process began and I started to see things in more positive light. Eventually I started to pursue career in the arts and I've been on that road ever since.
Then few years ago when I was studying to become an art and craft instructor history started to repeat itself. School lasted two years. In the first year there was one teacher who I didn't get a long with but other than that school went fine. Then the other year started and I heard that particular teacher had gone into another school I was like yes!
But the second year was the most horrible experience. When I started I listed my ideas about instructing and teaching and all that. I really believe that if I work as an art and craft instructor I will focus on the subjects that I know by heart. In that school we were supposed to study every possible handcraft technique there is from metal work to crocheting and the shortest courses lasted one week. We were expected to become masters in every technique and create perfect products for teachers to judge.
You know what was the most common comment I got from every single reviews?
I always got complains about being too creative.
Sounds ridiculous especially since if I teach art and handcrafts I want my students to embrace their creativity. It's extremely important especially here in Finland where people overall can be very harsh on themselves and I've heard so many stories people giving up pursuing artistic careers because lack of supportive feedback.
There was also very unprofessional behavior among the teachers. One of my classmates was on working period in a place where her boss was giving her jobs that weren't really meant for her to do. She sent tons of e-mails to our group leader who didn't reacted to them. In my class 4 people beside me got sick with exhaustion and 2 ladies stopped the school completely because of the teachers unprofessional behavior.
At one point I had enough and sent a note to the educational government of that area and wrote about all these things. I got into interrogation because of this note (which was very politely written).
Vice principal was doing the interrogation she was know for her very sharp tongue so I wasn't very exited to meet her. Another of my classmates had huge stress because of the school. Once this vice principal had called her and on the phone called her names and complained about her attitude.
So I got into interrogation and she criticized my attitude, my actions, my previous studies on art subjects. After 10 years without any panic attacks I got the worst panic attack of my life and started to cry like a waterfall.
I was so mad. I sent the same note to all students that studied to become art and craft instructors and all the school staff and teachers and left just few weeks before my graduation.
I got sickness break because of exhaustion. I went to see a therapist few times. He thought I was in my right mind so to speak and it was justified to feel hate. Still it was very hurtful experience. I had very bad nightmares from the vice principal. In one dream she executed me. Sometimes If I met women who looked just like her I easily started to feel anxiety and quickly left that kind of situations. This happened once in tax office. I actually had to change the clerk because she looked just like that terrible lady. This happened in the summer 2013.
You know what. I forgave her. Because she did regret her behavior.
Then few days ago I contacted this previous group leader of mine. I told her about my current life situation and asked why she didn't took any actions on the bullying incidents. She denied the whole thing. I think I deserve an apology from them as well but I don't think they are brave enough to do it.
I don't think it is acceptable that small group of teachers and people working in school environments use mental violence on students and use their autocratic position as excuse for it or that other people silently accept that kind of behavior. Teachers are the ones who should understand that students are all different and all are individuals. That is why I share my experiences and relies all this negative energy away and really hope no one needs to go trough similar experiences.
This is my mixed media painting called Vereslihalla.
(In Finnish when it's said that someone is vereslihalla it means that person is in the most vulnerable state both mentally and physically).
This one represents a personal journey.
All those who know me know that I never wear any mask or pretend to be something that I'm not.
What does it takes one to become themselves?
Trough art I can handle feelings of hate, my past and present, my good sides and my dark sides
and I can forgive.
I wish lot's of strength for those struggling with the same issues
Love and light to you all